7 Things That Go Through Your Head When You Wake Up

You know who likes getting up at the exact second their alarm sounds? Pod people. But certainly not you, right? That’s what I figured. If you’ve ever been jolted out of slumber and felt like your brain was shrieking at the mere notion of crawling out of bed, then you’ve probably had one or two of these thoughts afterward.

“Fuck!”

Every morning, without fail, this word scrolls across my mind like an electronic banner. Sometimes it’s even stretched out for dramatic effect or repeated in a steady rhythm. I curse my alarm, I curse myself for not going to bed earlier, and I curse the fact that something I don’t particularly want to do lurks around the corner. It’s unavoidable.

“How is it time to get up already?

Didn’t I just go to sleep?”

This one’s usually proceeded by triple checking the alarm clock to see if you’re a dummy who can’t read it right, or making sure you’re not having a nightmare. I used to wonder if time passed more rapidly during sleep, but now I understand that hours and minutes are sucked into a black hole the second my eyelids close for business.

“I’ll close my eyes for a few more minutes.

That can’t hurt.”

We’ve all been here. What harm could a few minutes of blissful snooze do? Perhaps it’ll make you feel more refreshed and suddenly ready to face the day… No, it won’t. Trust me. Whoever invented the snooze button wants you to fail. That extra handful of minutes seems like the best idea you’ve ever had until you wake up again and repeat thing #2 above. It’s not worth it. You’re torturing yourself twice.

“I’m so warm and comfortable.”

You likely feel like a fresh angel wrapped in a cloud of memory foam when you awaken, and moving away from that comfort cloud fills you with agony. If the gods are feeling extra malicious, then it’ll somehow still be pitch fucking black outside and raindrops will pitter patter on the roof, providing the ideal backdrop to sleep away half the day.

“I was having such a good dream, too.”

During weeknight sleep, my exorbitant dreams immerse me in a sort of fantasy world and manage to provide me with things I’ve always wanted. Sometimes I’m flying like it’s no big deal, sometimes I’m swimming in a giant pool of riches like Scrooge McDuck, and others I’m frolicking in a magical candy world where nothing and no one would ever dare harm me. How are we supposed to light up at the concept of getting out of bed if we had everything we needed in our dreams? (Side note: Do you know what I dream about on the weekends when I can sleep until my head falls off? Zombie apocalypses and going to work and dealing with a loved one’s funeral. It’s crap.)

“Maybe I could stay home…”

We weigh the option to stay home because a part of our brains understands how bullshitty it is to think about napping all day when we could actually be napping all day. That’s logic, my friends! Our brains only want what’s best for us: sleeping until we wake up. We’ve all played hooky at least one day of our lives, and we’ll likely do it again. No shame. Just don’t overdo it or your brain’s laziness will cost you a job.

“If I don’t go to the bathroom right now,

I’m going to wet the bed!”

You’ve outgrown rubber sheets and you know you’re not in any real danger of emptying your bladder onto the mattress, but this thought likely emerges anyway. The best part is when you dread using the bathroom because you’ll have to get up and face the hard floor, the bright lights, and the ice block of a toilet seat, so you linger in bed despite your brimming bladder and think about how warm and cozy you are.

There’s only one way these seven things wouldn’t be mentally uttered in the morning: you’re waking up to do something enjoyable. In that case, your ass will be out of bed quick and you may have a smile on your face.

What’s the first thing you think of when you wake up? How many of these thoughts have occurred to you this week?

Image credit to murdelta on Flickr.