Hi, ladies and gents. I thought long and hard about writing this piece because I didn’t want to piss anyone off, but I can’t take it anymore. I’m sick of being treated like a second-rate holiday. No longer will I stand aside and let other holidays soak up all the glory.
I’m Halloween, and I deserve some damn respect around here.
I’m tired of Christmas invading my month. She already gets 2 months to celebrate, with her foliage decorations and the same ten carols on repeat in every store, so why does she need to stick her big nose into October, too? It’s bullshit. October is my territory. But you know what? She doesn’t even annoy me as much as some of these other holidays, like Columbus Day or George Washington’s birthday. What do they have that I don’t have? Why do I always get the shaft? And why are people always so critical of me?
For your convenience and to demonstrate what I mean, I’ve compiled answers to snarky (and rude) frequently asked questions, such as:
Why do you deserve respect? What have you ever done, Halloween?
I’ll have you know that I’ve been around for a hell of a lot longer than many celebrated national holidays. Everyone knows I come to visit every October 31st, but did you know that one of my nicknames – All Hallows’ Eve – originated from a 9th century tradition?
Yeah, that’s right: the NINTH century. As in, a single digit. Way more than a thousand years ago. Suck on that, George Washington! I don’t recall him being around for my first celebration—oh, wait, it’s because he wasn’t even born until centuries later. But his birthday is somehow considered a national holiday? Come on.
Furthermore, my entire agenda is to honor saints and the faithfully departed. What kind of decent human being opposes that? Even if your lack of religious beliefs prevents you from respecting sainthood, then you should at least respect our faithfully departed. Otherwise, you’re as heartless as a bitchass neighbor kid who destroys Halloween decorations and steals candy from the adorable kids who have tirelessly trick-or-treated all night.
Speaking of candy, I’m sure you haven’t forgotten that sweets are kind of my thing. I’ve seen kids in my day get so excited about trick-or-treating that they’ve actually peed their pants. You couldn’t make this shit up! October 31st is the only time of year when it’s socially acceptable to sift through buckets of candy and make elaborate trades like you’re Gordon Gekko on a quest for self-induced diabetes.
In short, I honor the dead and give people a reason to stuff their faces, and I was doing the latter long before Thanksgiving showed up. That’s what I’ve done, bitch.
Er, I mean, friend. Ahem.
That’s all well and good, Halloween, but aren’t you more of a children’s holiday?
Don’t make me laugh! Why do people always ask me this? Is it because of the candy? Look, if you think candy is only for kids then you’re either in serious denial or you’re just a dummy. What part of the phrase “buckets of candy” doesn’t appeal to you, for gods’ sake? Don’t tell me you’re on a diet, because that’s a bunch of crap. You don’t think I’ve heard that excuse a billion times already? If anything, your restrictive diet should make you salivate even more at the thought of sinking your teeth into a creamy, sweet chocolate bar. So don’t even try that excuse. Everyone loves candy. Let’s cut the shit.
Don’t say that costumes are only for kids, either. Adults like dressing up almost as much as children do, and maybe even more in some cases. Costume parties are fun! You can wear whatever you want for an entire night, you can get wasted on spiked punch, and you can dance with other people who are wasted on spiked punch without worrying about how you look. Who’s going to care if your zombie makeup runs a little bit? No one. How many people are going to criticize you for talking in your terrible Transylvanian accent or for role playing as your character for hours straight? None whatsoever! It never gets old.
Halloween parties also make the best mixers, because everyone’s in goofy costumes and/or drunk and no one feels self-conscious. And mixers are no place for kids, if you know what I mean. Wink wink, nudge nudge.
Anyway, I should probably go before I wear out my welcome, but not before I make one final plea to your holiday-loving sensibilities.
Rank me higher on your list of favorite holidays, and I’ll put in a good word for you in the afterlife. Would you rather ditch Heaven and haunt your enemies in ghost form? You know, pull some pranks and have some harmless fun? I can make that happen. Do you want to meet your idol who’s since passed on? I’m your guy. I’ve got centuries’ worth of connections, man. For real. Think about it!
Shit, I’ll even let you call me Hal if you want. Give your friend Hal some respect, eh? I think I’ve waited long enough.
Sincerely yours (unless you keep dissing me like a jerkass, in which case I’d rather not be yours),
Halloween
YUH!